Professor Universe talks about Iran, Dinosaurs and Prince Harry

On Monday April 6th Evolution Science Magazine sat down with Spaulding Universe for this short but potent interview.

You are known to have consulted with US Presidents. What do you think of the current state of the world and what Role should the US have in it?

“Well, you may have heard that a group of atomic scientists had recently placed the so called Doomsday Clock at 3 minutes to midnight in their Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists Journal. Although I think to a degree that’s slightly alarmist and irresponsible, they did do a good job of breaking through the Mass Media Complex and raising awareness on the issue. The world is a dangerous place, and the US must participate, indeed lead, in the effort to make it safer. Our President is a stupendous and remarkable human being, attempting the herculean task of ridding the world of nuclear weapons. The secretary of state reminds me of  a giant squid I once encountered in a Mediterranean expedition of Babble Fish protein synthesis. However, if I were his chief science officer I would recommend a strategy more grounded physics, not politics. For example, I would create an Endo-Nuclear Thermo Fission device, capable of reversing the effects of nuclear explosions. I have pitched the concept to NASA and won a spot aboard the next mission to the Sun on Radius 9, which will explore the Sun’s magnetism and take Plasma samples, amongst other things. Anyway, I digress”. The Professor pauses briefly for an awkward burst of laughter. “What we can’t avoid is a Nuclear Arms Race in the middle east – and since it is inevitable, we should concentrate on letting science counterbalance what it has itself created.”

What is Endo-Nuclear Fission?

“Think of ENF as being like Aikido, of which I am a student and 3rd-Dan black belt. Aikido redirects the momentum of an opponent’s attack, rendering the attacker neutral. Bombs explode, but can be contained by tricking the explosion into thinking it is being affected by immense gravitational forces, much like stars are a perpetual, self-contained fireball. Only, in the case of an ENF device, the gravitational field collapses the burst entirely. But Nuclear proliferation is just 1 hideous manifestation of the human condition. We shouldn’t be aiding in our odds at destroying civilization, because there are plenty of existential threats to go around.”

Like what?

“Well, there is an asteroid out there, right now, that is on a collision course with earth. It’s probably the size of the State of Texas. It will destroy, odds are, 95% of every living thing on the planet. It could strike during this interview. It could strike after Humans have populated the Galaxy and have long abandoned the Earth. We don’t know. But that’s just one example. Plague, drought, a locust crop infestation, geo thermal upheaval in the form of sunlight choking volcanic plumes, earthquakes and tidal waves brought about by stress in the earth’s crust, are just some others. Magnetars are what keep me up at night. They are collapsed stars with a magnetic force 10,000 fold. They are far more common than black holes. If a Magnetar wanders anywhere near or solar system it will suck the iron out of our blood from 7.5 Billion Kilometers away! All this talk of destruction is making me want to open my favorite bottle of Scotch. Pass that bottle behind you please.”

You are an avid collector of artifacts. Which are among your favorite?

“My Dinosaur Eggs, and no, not because I like eggs for breakfast. And NOT because of what they say about my compulsion to compete with Dr. Arron Von Zeegler, renound Paleontologist! MY EGGS, discovered in France (near Albas, in the foothills of the Pyrenee Mountains) are amongst the oldest known dinosaur eggs and embryos from Massospondylus, which lived during the Early Jurassic, about 190 million years ago!!”

I sense a bit of preoccupation with some of your peers. Is there an issue there?

“If you don’t drop it, I will shove your face in a vat of sulfuric acid.”

In the movie Jurassic park, quoted as being one of your favorites, scientist use the fossilized blood of a dinosaur to clone modern day dinosaurs. Do you think this will actually happen one day?

“Great question. Not the way they did it in the movie. Sorry Michael Crichton! We’ll probably reverse engineer a chicken.”

Have you traveled at all lately?

“I was just in Canberra, one of my favorite capital cities… in Australia. I had the good fortune of meeting Prince Harry, who recently reported for duty for a month with the Australian Army during which he will take part in bush patrols and possibly fly helicopters, as he prepares to retire from the British military. He is a fine young man and I hold him in a high personal regard. Australia is nice. I’ve grown tired of the upheaval in my routine associated with Travel. In order to solve for this, I have been working on a Tele-Pod teleportation device.”

Does it Work?

“Indeed. I have successfully disassembled a Fruit Bat, and used a carbon assimilator.. a sort of 3D Printer for matter, to reassemble it across space. As soon as that is up and running after human trials, I honestly believe I can dove tail the mechanism into a Time Machine.”

Where would you go?

“Widely considered to be the cradle of civilization by the Western worldBronze Age Mesopotamia, no question.Babylonian and Assyrian empires were all native to the territory of what is now modern-day Iraq. In the Iron Age, it was controlled by the Neo-Assyrian and Neo-Babylonian empires. The indigenous Sumerians and Akkadians (including Assyrians and Babylonians) dominated Mesopotamia from the beginning of written history (c. 3100 BC) to the fall of Babylon in 539 BC. I presume if I take Prince Harry with me, we can prevent its takeover by the Achaemenid Empire, which, eventually fell to Alexander the Great in 332 BC! After his death, it became part of the Greek Seleucid Empire. Interestingly, Prince Harry and I share a birthday, and were both born at St Mary’s Hospital in PaddingtonLondon. Cheerio old Chap!”

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About Ryan Seslow

Ryan Seslow is an artist, independent curator & graphic designer living and working in New York. Working in a variety of mediums Seslow shows his work both nationally and internationally. He is a professor of art teaching various graduate and undergraduate courses simultaneously between 4 colleges in NYC & the surrounding area.
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